my burden

Ever feel that no matter how hard you try, nothing ever works out? That's how I am feeling today. I have a good job that I love, and Dean has a good paying job he hates, but we still can't seem to make ends.meet. I know some of it is that ee need to buckle down on the.budget but its more than that. I want to be able to bring Mason to Disney, I want to be able to pay all my bills on time, I want to be able to pay off my debt to be able to buy a house. I realize that's a lot of I wants, and I need to be thankful for what I have. My family is (for the most part) healthy, Mason is happy and doing well in school, I have a very understanding landlord who has worked with us these past 2 years, we have good friends, and a well meaning if unhelpful family. We have each other, and we have the Lord. I am thankful for those things, I really am, (I know you feel it coming!) But I also want more. Out of all those things I listed above the money to pay bills would be.most helpful as what I REALLY want is another baby. While Dean says he doesn't appose it, we both know we can't afford it. I sometimes feel I have made piece and accepted that we will only have Mason, and that's not a bad thing as he is a great kid, but then I hear of someone being pregnant and its like I got kicked in the gut. I want to cry, I feel like I'm going to throw up, and then I feel guilty because while I am happy for them I am also eaten alive with jealously. So today that is my cross to bear, my burden to,overcome.

Paying it forward

Imagine being the child whose parents simply can't afford to buy you a birthday gift. You can change that with every $10 donation. The Cheerful Givers nonprofit provides toy-filled birthday bags at food shelves and shelters so that less fortunate parents can recognize their child's birthday with a gift. Will you give at least one child a Happy Birthday today? www.cheerfulgivers.org

Sadness

My Mom texted me last night and told me that she is going to put my cat Heidi to sleep. We just put Heidi's sister (My Sister's) cat Bobbi to sleep in March. To be fair they are 18 years old, and I know Bobbi was in pain constantly and that Heidi is deaf and going blind and doesn't always make it in the litter box, but she is my baby! I am so sad. I know my husband is right when he told me that not many people can introduce their children to their childhood pet, I know that I am lucky, just as I was lucky when Nana died that I was 24 years old and still had all of my grandparents up until then. It doesn't make it any easier though, does it? On a plus side I start my new job tomorrow!! YAY! I usually am nervous when I start a new job but so far, I don't have any nerves, so that's good.... I think. Anyway, have a good night everyone. Missy

Randomness

I know it seems like I have had problems moving on from what happened... and I did, big ones. My mom and I used to have screaming matches and fist fights, and I'm not saying this to brag or look for sympathy. I'm saying this because it's true. She married my Sister's Dad and he was abusive to us both, and my Mom was abusive. I was probably about 15 when she kicked him out for the last time. I don't even know if I was living at home or with my grandparents at that time. My Mother and I to this day do not have the best relationship. I am trying to forgive and move on, she tries to pretend it never happened. The sad thing is, she hasn't changed and still acts like a dipshit bad parent. The thing that makes it worse is that now she is doing it to my sister and my son. That is where I draw the line. She now lives across the hall from us and I can tell you she sees my son for about 2-3 hours a month, unless she asks to take him for a day when he's on vacation. And after that one day it's another week or so before she sees him again.... Why? you may ask, because her best friends family is WAY more important than her own. (She had to rent out her condo and move in with her best friend....at 53 years of age, nice huh?) My sister tried to kill herself a few years ago, my mother had actually taken Mason for the day when my sister friend called me to say he got a text from her saying goodbye. I texted my Mom and she told me that they were already in the town where her friends family lives and to let her know how my sister is...... are you fucking kidding me?!?!? Pardon my language but who the hell says that?! I figured I would have gotten a response to meet her at the hospital so I can take Mason home and she will be there with my sister, but oh no, not our mother of the year. When Mason was 2 we were at my grandpa's house swimming and she said she was getting out and Mason wanted to get out too. After they got out Mason started running toward the pool again so my Mom got up and started running after him. Well wet clumsy feet on grass don't mix and she fell and broke her foot in 3 places. I felt terrible, she had to have surgery and get a plate put in her foot. Then a year or so later had to get it removed because her body was rejecting it. She told my son a year ago that HE broke her foot!! Really?! who does that?? Okay so those are just some thing I have had to forgive and deal with, there are MANY more issues but those are a preview. I don't know, I'm trying but as I said she does not make it easy at all. Have a good night friends ~Melissa

Strange

Hmmm since I have written the truth about what happened and got it out there I feel freer more free? Well I feel better anyway, it's like a weight has been lifted and I know that sounds cliche but it's true. I still have moments where I want to cry for no apparent reason at the drop of a hat but I also don't have as much anger inside either. Who knew that I all I ever needed was to tell someone my side of the story....my side, my truth. Don't get me wrong it's not all peaches and cream and all rosy now that it's out there. I still have lots of crap that I need to work on, (I googled my father's name and do you know a transcript from court comes up? It made me sick, physically sick, to read it. I want it gone, I want it taken off the web....I mean it was 30 damn years ago, why is it even out there?)but it's a start. Have a great night friends Missy

Shame

So I said it, I have let the world know my big bad dark secret that I have only told 2 people in my life that weren't involved with the situation. Some of my own family doesn't even know this. The worst day of my life was the final day of testimony for me in court, and the one person who should have been by my side that day wasn't. See my Mom was pregnant, and went in to labor the night before my last day in court so as much as she wanted to be there she couldn't. My little sister was born on the worst day of my life. As I later learned I also have a younger cousin who was born on that same exact day. With one statement I changed my whole life forever with no chance of repairing it... at least not for a long while. I blamed my Mom, I blamed the counselor....I blamed myself. I would cry myself to sleep at night, almost every night, for years. I ruined my father's life, his whole family, my whole family....and myself. Don't get me wrong I'm sure my Mother loves me, at least so she says, but she was nothing near what a Mother should be most of the time. To hear her I never remember the good times, I do, but the bad sort of outweighs the good. My step-father (my Sister's Dad) was abusive, verbally and sometimes physically. My Nana called DSS on him twice but somehow they always fooled them. I would wish they would take me away and send me to live with Nana and Grandpa but they never did. Nana saw some bruises on my chest one day when I was about 10 that were from my Step-Father and called DSS (this was the 2md time) and after that I was told I couldn't see them anymore and kept away from them for 2 years. I used to call my big cousin and she would come see me and we would talk and cry together. When it would rain my grandparents would come to my school and drive me home but I would never tell anyone. For the first 8 years of my life my grandparents raised me while my mother was working and partying and they couldn't stay away, just as I couldn't stay away either. On half days I would go to their house instead of going home. Years later my Mom told me she always knew this because she had the school schedule but never told my step-father... She was abused as well and knew not to say anything because he would have taken it out on her. My Mother finally got the nerve to leave him, though she did go back to him a year later, but she left him again and for good a few years later. When I turned 12 or 13 things changed between my mother and me, I'm not sure what but she was always yelling and throwing things, and I stopped taking it. I would yell back, and throw things back. One day she pushed me up against a wall...before I knew what was happening I punched her. I was sick of being used as a punching bag emotionally and physically. Fist fights between the two of us happened often. When they got bad enough she would kick me out and send me to live with my grandparents. We went to a counselor to try and fix things but it never accomplished much because I refused to open up about anything. there was NO WAY in hell I was gong to do that again.

Back at the beginning

Okay so here's some background information, and while it may seem to be too much detail on something so long ago, maybe writing about it will help me feel better. After all, the reason I started this blog is to help me, it would be great if it could help others too but it's for me. Did you know my Mother trapped my Dad into marriage? No? Neither did I until recently, apparently after dating for only 3 months my Mom asked my Dad to move in together and he said no, it's too soon. Well 2 months later guess what? She's pregnant! My Nana (Mom's mom) told my Dad not to marry her, but he insisted. My parents were divorced by the time I was 3. I find this ironic because my mom always told me that she was going to join the Air Force but she when she went for the exam she found out she was having me. Why would she be asking my Dad to move in together if she was join the military so soon? So I was living with my Mom in my grandparent's house upstairs, we shared a room and my Uncle had the room across the hall. To be fair the room is a decent size and is now my Aunt's living room. On the weekends I went with my Dad and got to see his family. I have conflicting memories and stories of this time. My Aunt Julie tells me that I used to cry and try to run after the car begging them to take me with them because I didn't want to go home. I remember being dropped off outside my house, holding a teddy bear and crying as they drove away wanting to go with my Dad. I loved my Nana and Grandpa and I had lots of family near by, but I missed my Dad. My Mom was always working or out partying, my Nan raised me for the most part. When I was about 4 or 5 my Mom started taking me to a counselor because I was "acting out" the councelor asked some really stupid questions Every week it was the same thing, let's play with dolls, lets play a game to tell our feelings, let's talk about our feelings. Does anyone hurt you? Has anyone ever hurt you? Does your Daddy hurt you? Has anyone ever tried to touch you? has anyone tried to touch your privates? I hate that place,it's smells funny, not like a regular doctor's office more musty, distinct but I can't place the kind of smell. There is no sunlight as the councelor keeps the shades closed with only a bit of light peeking through but she always turns off the lights anyway so it's hard ot see in there. Every time I would beg Mother not to make me go, she just says I need it. I don't know why she thought I needed the counceling but I was made to go. One session I don't remember how it happened, I dont' even remember saying it but I must have. I told the Councelor what she wanted to hear, what I think everyone wanted to hear. I told her that yes, someone had touched me, yes it was terrible, and please leave me alone. I thought it would stop all the questions, but there were more and more of them instead. I don't' remember the ride home but I do remember all the people I had to talk to soon after that session. I remember it seemed like there were always people asking me questions but now it was "who? who was it that touched you?"(Now as I grew up I felt ashamed, and hated myself for this because I did it. I didn't know as a child what would have happened what child would have? But I have always hated my Mother and myself for what came next.)"Daddy did, Daddy touched me" We had to go to this big scary place with lots of people and even more people asking me questions, the same questions over and over. They said I had to tell the truth and when I did and told them I made it up they got angry and said that just because I was scared I couldn't lie. They would all say to me it wasn't my fault, Daddy had something wrong with him inside. But he didn't do it! He didn't do it. I have had conversations with my Grandpa (Mom's Dad) now as an adult and he said that this happened a lot back then, innocent men would go to jail because they were brainwashed by people and made to think things happened that didn't. All I know is that I had to live with the anger, guilt and shame growing up and even still now..... I think that's enough for today so more tomorrow... Missy