Back at the beginning

Okay so here's some background information, and while it may seem to be too much detail on something so long ago, maybe writing about it will help me feel better. After all, the reason I started this blog is to help me, it would be great if it could help others too but it's for me. Did you know my Mother trapped my Dad into marriage? No? Neither did I until recently, apparently after dating for only 3 months my Mom asked my Dad to move in together and he said no, it's too soon. Well 2 months later guess what? She's pregnant! My Nana (Mom's mom) told my Dad not to marry her, but he insisted. My parents were divorced by the time I was 3. I find this ironic because my mom always told me that she was going to join the Air Force but she when she went for the exam she found out she was having me. Why would she be asking my Dad to move in together if she was join the military so soon? So I was living with my Mom in my grandparent's house upstairs, we shared a room and my Uncle had the room across the hall. To be fair the room is a decent size and is now my Aunt's living room. On the weekends I went with my Dad and got to see his family. I have conflicting memories and stories of this time. My Aunt Julie tells me that I used to cry and try to run after the car begging them to take me with them because I didn't want to go home. I remember being dropped off outside my house, holding a teddy bear and crying as they drove away wanting to go with my Dad. I loved my Nana and Grandpa and I had lots of family near by, but I missed my Dad. My Mom was always working or out partying, my Nan raised me for the most part. When I was about 4 or 5 my Mom started taking me to a counselor because I was "acting out" the councelor asked some really stupid questions Every week it was the same thing, let's play with dolls, lets play a game to tell our feelings, let's talk about our feelings. Does anyone hurt you? Has anyone ever hurt you? Does your Daddy hurt you? Has anyone ever tried to touch you? has anyone tried to touch your privates? I hate that place,it's smells funny, not like a regular doctor's office more musty, distinct but I can't place the kind of smell. There is no sunlight as the councelor keeps the shades closed with only a bit of light peeking through but she always turns off the lights anyway so it's hard ot see in there. Every time I would beg Mother not to make me go, she just says I need it. I don't know why she thought I needed the counceling but I was made to go. One session I don't remember how it happened, I dont' even remember saying it but I must have. I told the Councelor what she wanted to hear, what I think everyone wanted to hear. I told her that yes, someone had touched me, yes it was terrible, and please leave me alone. I thought it would stop all the questions, but there were more and more of them instead. I don't' remember the ride home but I do remember all the people I had to talk to soon after that session. I remember it seemed like there were always people asking me questions but now it was "who? who was it that touched you?"(Now as I grew up I felt ashamed, and hated myself for this because I did it. I didn't know as a child what would have happened what child would have? But I have always hated my Mother and myself for what came next.)"Daddy did, Daddy touched me" We had to go to this big scary place with lots of people and even more people asking me questions, the same questions over and over. They said I had to tell the truth and when I did and told them I made it up they got angry and said that just because I was scared I couldn't lie. They would all say to me it wasn't my fault, Daddy had something wrong with him inside. But he didn't do it! He didn't do it. I have had conversations with my Grandpa (Mom's Dad) now as an adult and he said that this happened a lot back then, innocent men would go to jail because they were brainwashed by people and made to think things happened that didn't. All I know is that I had to live with the anger, guilt and shame growing up and even still now..... I think that's enough for today so more tomorrow... Missy